separation anxieties…

if you don’t know the story yet, talk to her and I’m sure she’d be very happy to tell you the whole story… her side of it, at least… the long and short of it was we separated earlier this year…

so, are you judging me now?

was I wrong in what I did? maybe… maybe not… depends really on which side of the fence you are sitting on looking down at us. depends on whose friend you are, on your perspective even. I would’ve still done the same otherwise, given the circumstances..

many things have happened since, some good and a lot of it bad. and many things, I know, are still bound to happen. ready or not, I need to face all of them.

in all these, I miss my sons the most. they may not feel anything now, or hopefully, ever. but I know they will be most affected.

Wyse, my very precocious 5-year old, who asks a lot of questions about a lot of things. who cries at the drop of a hat. a very studious boy. looks a lot like me in every conceivable way. little me? I hope not… I would wish for him a very full and fruitful life… happiness all around sans all the cares in the world.

and my littlest boy, Tomas. I will remember him as the exact opposite of his big brother. Tomas came into this world charming everyone around him with this big smile of his. but his biggest smile of all is reserved for his dad. he lights up like the morning sun whenever he sees me (probably because he was already anticipating the side-tickling he knew he’d get from me). his love for water (however shallow or deep) always brings out that cute dimple, which comes only when he is truly happy. he came into this world a sickly child, but bloomed into the bubbly chubby kid I remember him being.

I love you, my sons. no one, as in absolutely no one, can take that away from you. I still hope to see both of you one day, after all these are through. after everything has been settled.

i hope…

i still hope to kiss you, Wyse… and hug and tickle you, Tomas… maybe, one day…

I love you both…

a friend once quipped that “there’s no perfect decision, no perfect move nor a perfect timing.”

I will face this, alone if need be…

5 stages of grief

1. Denial — stage where the grieving individual tends to deny that the grief exists.

2. Anger — the grieving individual may be mad at the person who inflicted the grief, or at himself/herself for letting the grief happen even if it cannot be avoided.

3. Bargaining — the griving individual may then make a bargain with another person, or his/her diety/god/religious icon to take away the pain.

4. Depression — the person will feel nothing, desensitized, though anger may still remain.

5. Acceptance — this is when the first 4 have lessened or totaly wore off. the individual accepts the loss.

ciao… 8-|

quote for today…

Do you believe in God, Andrei? No. Neither do I. But that’s a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. What do you mean? Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they’d never understand what I meant. It’s a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do—then, I know they don’t believe in life. Why? Because, you see, God—whatever anyone chooses to call God—is one’s highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It’s a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it.

– Ayn Rand, We The Living Part One Chapter 9

ciao…

and you are…?

i am what i am and that’s all that i am…

– Popeye

maybe we’re not just where we live, or what we eat or what we do… we are who we are who we are and that is always changing… maybe you think that he was the person whom you are meant to live with you forever. but you’ve changed, just as he has… but when the time is right, you will find another person to share your life with…

how can i be so sure?

i just am…

ciao…

quote for the day

It only stands to reason that where there’s sacrifice, there’s someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there’s service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.

– Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

ciao…8

i have had…

…a lot of knocks coming my way, but when I open? no one really is there…

i guess opportunity is playing a trick on me… :/

ciao…

looking for…

…someone to teach opportunity to knock at my door…

ciao…

quote for today…

“how do you pick up the threads of an old life? how do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back… there are some things that time can not mend. some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold…”

– Frodo Baggins, Lord of the Rings, Return of the King

ciao…

project 365 (modified)

hey!

am back! and so soon!

anyway, remember that little project i was telling you about last time? the one where you will see me at least once a day? well, here it is now…

it is called Project 365 (Modified)… this was introduced to me by a friend and i found this website which came up with the most basic idea. basically, this is a photography project where you take 1 photo each day for an entire year… you may have 1 subject all throughout that year, or like me, this can really be anything that fancies you. you may share this with the world, or not, your choice…

anyway, so, why is mine modified? what i will do is take a regular picture (in high resolution), crop and post this, and you’d have to figure out what it is… the original photo will come out the next day… and why would i do this? well…

with the absence of a muse (inspiration) to write with, i can probably find it in photography… well, we’ll see…

that is it for now… i will probably start collecting my photos soon, and upload them either on a daily (if i can) or a weekly (which is more likely to happen) basis. in any case, this blog will be active again, albeit not as before…

ciao…

picking up pieces of your life

hey!

i know… 3 years, eh? 3 years since i was last here… and i never missed you… not one bit… you see, with all the new bloggers out there out to prove themselves to their readers, they forgot one thing: putting their hearts to whatever they write. i was the same as them at one time, and that is why i decided to just up and leave blogging altogether.

the commercialism, the hunt for freebies (free donuts from the biggest donut chain even delivered at home, free movie tickets from a Makati mall delivered at the office, free cellphones, and other tech stuff that i never really had a need for), the hunt for fame (the 1st and only Blog Awards, i think), etc etc… i hated it… for me, blogging was supposed to have been a simple journal of my daily grind. but enough about that. now, i am back, and doing what i loved most: talking about what really interest me, without all the fame and money attached to it…

well, where was i the past 3 years?

been working, of course… worked with an international school (no, not the International School, doofus), and then moved on a big BPO-cum-consulting company for about 6 months… jobless since late March this year… also, during those times, played about 2 MMORPGs, renewed my love for coffee with a big coffee house which will remain nameless, made some lifelong friends, got Dagul, my big black Mitsubishi Strada, had another child October of last year, and now, estranged (separated, whatever) with my wife of 5 years… that’s about it…

and now, am still trying to find a job… so, where am i at now?

• trying my hand again at amateur photography. contacted a photographer-friend from a previous work and asked if i could come along during one of his shoots… unfortunately, his specialty are weddings which isnt really my style… but i’d go along for the experience… another friend and i talked about something that isn’t yet popular here in the PHL but is in other countries. will tell you more once it is off the ground…
• been (re)teaching myself Linux again, since i went to the dark side during those 3 years… not that i totally distanced myself from it, but i worked using MS more than Linux. now that i am back to consulting (more about that later), i will feel better equipped if i re-learn it once more. i know the learning curve wouldn’t be that steep, so i am immersing myself into it…
• another colleague from way back has offered me a consulting job with their company on a per-project basis… and he is now currently finalizing talks with a potential client before i come in…

i still have about 2 or 3 more things i’d like to talk about in here, but i feel that if i do, it will just complicate matters more… they are complicated enough as it is… once these 3 are kind of solved already, i will tell you about them… but for now, that is it…

i may not be able to do this on a per-day basis… but tell you what: i have this little project in mind that will let me see you at least once a day… again, i will tell you about that once i got all the kinks out…

what else? nada más (that is ‘nothing else’ in Spanish )

oh wait, i will be putting my own bucket list here very soon… watch out for that

ciao…